i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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