So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
