i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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