I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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