I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
