If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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