Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
