apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
