never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
