She is in my trunk
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
