Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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