the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
