He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
