Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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