I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
