new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
