I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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