I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
