I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
