oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
