She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
