My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
