just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
