we have pet lesbian snakes
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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