census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
