Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
