and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
