and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
