At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
