i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
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He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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