i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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