Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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