Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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