I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
