i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
