i wish there were pregnant emoticons
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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