hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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