The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
