i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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