my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
