I molested 6 butterflies tonight
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
