also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I have tasted many bathrooms
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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