Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
