After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
