Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
