I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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