We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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