9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
