once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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