fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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