I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
