The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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