i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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