Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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