I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Just cropdusted the office
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
