After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
