Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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