The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
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It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
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At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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