You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
