I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
